I cried after my 4th and 5th iui failure because I feel deprived and helpless. Why is conceiving is a very easy task for other people? We are the dumbest couple on this planet! Then, I told myself I will not cry anymore. But, ivf is my second line of offense. This equates to game over if it fails. I don't know whether I can control my emotions.
Actually, I have 75% confidence that my embryos will implant based on my uterine profile score. But, when the embryos were put in, I began to feel emptiness. It is now a battle between optimism and reality. I feel like playing two- coin tossing game. Although, I have 75% chance of getting at least one head based on probability. The reality is once those two coins were tossed, it is beyond my control. I cant control implantation either. I wanted to win this game badly. Yeah! I dont recall seeing enraged people playing in casino.
Relax! Implantation is just a like a game of chance. I will act as if those chips meant nothing to me. I will act as if Ivig, lymphocyte immunization therapy and money means nothing to me. I surrender to my fate. I accept life is like a board game. Everyone has equal chance. People who tend to emerge as winners are just born lucky. Unfortunately, I am not born lucky. I learn to accept this hard fact. I am still trying my best to reach the finish line of my Snake and Ladder game. I hope I am more emotionally matured by now. No more JCDS!
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