Hello me, hello everyone... i am back to blogging

Perhaps I had a caffeine overload last night. I slept at 3:30 am and I woke up at 6 am. I could hear Alex's playful scream from my bedroom. His playful scream gave me the assurance that he was fine. He had bumped his head on the floor last night. Went to the dining room to check what was he doing. I could not go back to sleep. Then, I just ate my breakfast and forced myself to go back to sleep. Maybe it was the temptation that keeps me from my soundful sleep.

Today is the 6th day post blastocyst transfer, three days ahead of my scheduled beta hcg test. I had beta hcg shot last Saturday. I may get a false positive- a false hope. Ouch... Temptations. HPT kit are jinx. I should not use one!  Should I test- yes or no?

I will not cry if it turned out to be a negative pregnancy. Will I cry if It turns out to be a false positive? Why am I so eager to test? Crazy Me! Perhaps, I am just an adventure lover. I wish to have a little adrenalin rush.  In the end,  I was not able to resist the temptation. I opened the kit and tried. Why did I buy the hpt in the first place? I guess it is the thrill of every expectant mom to test before their menstruation arrives? It was written on the hot box that that product detects pregnancy on the first day of missed period. If I ovulated on Nov 3, that means today is the 13th day post ovulation. Right timing to try but at the expense of synthetic hcg shot. Grr.. Curiosity killed me.

Few seconds pasts and I was just seeing a single line. After my bath, was there a new super faint line? Illusion vs reality. I cant wait to take me beta hcg. Hey, was it a false positive?

My beta hcg result were out by noon. Then, what? I realized that I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I could not believe the quantitative value. I feel if the hcg is over a 100, the hpt kit should return two dark lines. Should not it?

Excess embryos

My friend will keep her frozen embryos in the freezer forever. Is there such thing as forever? Would that mean her son and the succeeding generations thereafter need to perpetually pay for the embryo storage? Why pass the embryo safekeeping obligation to the succeeding generations? Definitely, she feels awkward to see the replica or look alike of her sons.

I told her my baby spent his first Christmas in the freezer. Life starts at embryonic stage. Wouldn't she really consider donating the embryos? For sure the snowflakes embryo recipient will be happy and treat the baby as their own. What if the snowflakes recipient gives "her" baby corned beef (unhealthy food loaded with nitrites) every day? She would rather discard the embryos. Why she keeps on paying the storage fee if she does not even have the plan to use them?

Before I did ivf stimulation, the clinic in Hong Kong already presented the possible options to us: 1. Donate to childless couples; 2. Donate for research; I cant recall was there a number 3? 3. Discard the embryo. There was no option to freeze embryos forever!

Back to our corned beef  arguement. I represent corned beef as unhealthy environment/ food and lower social standing. Would I let "my" embryo live in that environment?  What if one day I meet one of my donated embryo? Why my first born has a better life than his? Ouch.

Let me think it over. What is moral? What is legal?

Forced weaning

How did I successfully wean? I forgot! I left my baby to the new nanny and had a 5- day vacation. During vacation, I did not bring any breast pump with me. I just squeezed the milk out. When I came back home, my baby was already asleep. He cried in the middle of the night, he hugged his nanny and went back to sleep. I was observing him as if he has forgotten me. The next day he was very clingy. It seemed like he missed my breast so much. He became more irritable when sleepy. My breast was the only thing that could tame him. I breastfed him for few more nights.

But, I just turned 40 year old last month. I feel the pressure of racing against time. I wanted to have another baby. I need to wean him completely. I hope my menstruation will arrive naturally. Otherwise, I need to take medicine but it can cause dizziness and perhaps other side effects.

Today is my sixth day of weaning. I still have milk but I don't pump anymore. I miss breastfeeding. It is somewhat soothing and occasionally aching (if bitten). Can anyone imagine being sucked by a puppy?  

I'm looking forward to my period.

fussy nights again

I never thought I could handle such a fussy baby. Alex slept a 7 pm then went fussy around midnight. The challenging part was midnight and before dawn. He would really dig his face into my bra and cry out loud. It was inconsolable. He would shun away from the feeding bottle nipple. I have tried inserting the feeding bottle nipple into his mouth while he was breastfeeding but to no avail. He strongly refuses feeding bottle during bedtime.

I woke up at 4 am today. I feed him from bottle but he never got satiated. His mouth would position exactly to where my breasts are. I wrestled with him until he went knock out. 1.5 hour bout was not that tiresome because I was lying with him on the bed.

I am not getting enough sleep. Is my baby getting enough sleep? He just have few short naps during the day. Other babies could have long sleeps during the day.

I was tempted to feed him my breast during the dawn. Stop breastfeeding?  I feel I am racing against time again. I wish to have embryo transfer very soon. I want to give birth before the year of the dog. My zodiac , dragon , conflicts with dog. And I am 42 yr old by then. Another issue, I need to have embryo transfer before my anti-idiotypic antibody gets depleted.

Ouch.. my advise to couples: marry earlier.

no more sleepless nights

My baby was spoiled by nannies or perhaps by me. There was a time that I had no nannies. I could not cradle and dance my baby to sleep. I thought it was a clever idea to breastfeed my baby to sleep. Yes, it was indeed easy. Eventually, I became his human pacifier. Ouch... It seems like his crib has sensors. Whenever it try to lay him on this crib, he would suddenly awake and cry out loud. We slept on the recliner seat until one day he almost fell from the seat. Luckily, he was still hanging on the blanket and my husband saved him. Initially, side lying position for breastfeeding strained my butt and waist. But now, I have mastered it. I slept well at night.

My baby could not go to sleep without my breast. Ouch. I plan to wean by this month end. I want to have another round of embryo transfer. Is weaning a must?

my son is underweight

My son is already 4-month old, but he just weighs 4.28 kg. Ii is less than 5% percentile. I was advised to take my pre-natal vitamins.
Will this work? Let us see. Should we insist breastfeeding?

Merry Christmas Alex

Merry Christmas Alex. How shall we celebrate your first Christmas? Oops.. It is your second christmas. I almost forget you have spent your first christmas in the freezer together with your 6 siblings (embryos).

How is it like to be kept in the freezer? What are your five remaining siblings doing? Are they having fun? I have just received the bill for their ( embryo ) storage. Shall I have an embryo transfer again next year? Pregnancy and giving birth is a bit challenging to me.