Where is my motivation?

I went into panic mode in the early evening. I was so nervous when I saw my hands full of blood. My bathroom lighting switch was also covered with blood. When I came back home, I still smelled the blood odor in my toilet. I wiped the blood stains and I am still hoping that I will move on to the next chapter of my pregnancy.  I have the strong feeling that my embryos are safe. Thank god. No more bleeding.

I dont know if I will regret my cheat day. For now, I am still contemplating my next action plan. I dont know if I would dare to get pregnant again. May it add toll to my health? Whenever I read the literature attached to the medicine, I see cancer, thrombosis...  Sometimes, I am chickening out. Where is my motivation?

I just spent 120k pesos for my ivig last sunday. Is my miscarriage too soon? Why prolong the agony, if this twins is not meant for me?  If miscarriage / preterm would happen in my second trimester, perhaps I will cry more. Dear god, pls dont break my heart.  Come what may.

For now, im blogging. Trying to keep myself sane. From now on,  I will abide house arrest and bed rest. I hope its not yet late. I just wish for happy, intelligent, healthy babies, if god permits.