Today is a perfect Sunday morning. I went to Ongpin Street to buy something. I met my monstrous obgyne secretary along the way. It was just a coincidence. Why? Should there be a reason for everybody's existence?
In fairness, I don't have grutch against her. I just hate her boss. We had a little chit chat. Why I left with teary eyes again? So what, if autoimmune disorder is karma? So what, if I have bad karma?
Being infertile doesn't make me a second class citizen. I surrender to my fate. I don't want to regret in the future why I did not struggle to overcome infertility.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Palpitating
Lately, I have palpitation and anxiety. Could this be the aide effects of Viagra? What caused my blood flow impedance?
where to do ivf
I shun away from Hong Kong because it is expensive. I don't like Taichung because of the PGD issue. Some says Taichung's clinic works like a production line. I doubt the success rate in Philippines. Should I discuss with Taichung over the PGD issue again? Or should I just look for another ivf center. Here I am again fickle minded on where to do my ivf.
Many doctors don't believe immunology as a main factor for infertility. Should I still check Taipei? My god sister suggested a Hong Kong clinic. She said that clinic believes in immunology. Though more expensive, I wish to give it a try.
http://comtecmed.com/MSRM/2014/Uploads/Editor/PPT/Leong.pdf
Think, think and think. It also sounds scary. They use tnf-a inhibitor.
Many doctors don't believe immunology as a main factor for infertility. Should I still check Taipei? My god sister suggested a Hong Kong clinic. She said that clinic believes in immunology. Though more expensive, I wish to give it a try.
http://comtecmed.com/MSRM/2014/Uploads/Editor/PPT/Leong.pdf
Think, think and think. It also sounds scary. They use tnf-a inhibitor.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Seventh iui
I am sick and tired of iui. But, there is a good reason to do so. This will let me validate the tissue crossmatch theory of my immunologist. I planned to do the ivf as soon as possible but the egg retrieval and embryo implantation will fall on very unholy schedule. Everyone will be in vacation mode. Perhaps, the lab is also closed.
Rather than trying to conceive naturally, we will try iui for the last time. My new obgyne uttered a joke: She said I am a veteran iui patient and I feel very at home and comfortable with IUI. I told her that I am sick and tired of IUI. She asked me to bear the pain as she insert the speculum. Upon her withdrawal, she asked how does it feel? I said I enjoyed! Everyone else laughed.
I hope seven will be my new lucky number. When did I started to believe in lucky number and lucky color thing? Oops, what is my lucky color? Seven means infinite. Would this mean infinite iui? I believe luck is on my side. Because I have just whispered to god while our plane cruised at high altitude last week. I just don't know whether god has heard my prayers because the propeller is noisier than my whisper. I hope my seventh iui will be my answered prayer. I promised god to go to putuoshan for pilgrimage again next year.
Seriously, what are my chances? My husband has 1% normal morphology and my uterine artery doppler says i have large blood flow impedance. pulsatility index was over 3.0.
https://www.auanet.org/university/abstract_detail.cfm?id=MP68-11&meetingID=14ORL
http://www.fertstert.org/article/S0015-0282%2897%2900333-6/abstract
http://www.willowtreeclinic.com/category/womens-health/
Rather than trying to conceive naturally, we will try iui for the last time. My new obgyne uttered a joke: She said I am a veteran iui patient and I feel very at home and comfortable with IUI. I told her that I am sick and tired of IUI. She asked me to bear the pain as she insert the speculum. Upon her withdrawal, she asked how does it feel? I said I enjoyed! Everyone else laughed.
I hope seven will be my new lucky number. When did I started to believe in lucky number and lucky color thing? Oops, what is my lucky color? Seven means infinite. Would this mean infinite iui? I believe luck is on my side. Because I have just whispered to god while our plane cruised at high altitude last week. I just don't know whether god has heard my prayers because the propeller is noisier than my whisper. I hope my seventh iui will be my answered prayer. I promised god to go to putuoshan for pilgrimage again next year.
Seriously, what are my chances? My husband has 1% normal morphology and my uterine artery doppler says i have large blood flow impedance. pulsatility index was over 3.0.
https://www.auanet.org/university/abstract_detail.cfm?id=MP68-11&meetingID=14ORL
http://www.fertstert.org/article/S0015-0282%2897%2900333-6/abstract
http://www.willowtreeclinic.com/category/womens-health/
Second uterine biophysical ultrasound
I told the sonologist that my first biophysical uterine ultrasound was 16. I am on viagra + heparin. We are eyeing for a 19. He did my first uterine biophysical ultrasound in a government hospital. Haha, we are running after his schedule.
I laughed as I heard the doppler. It sounds like I am farting. After finishing the entire ultrasound, the sonologist told me that he feels my score will not reach 16. It was a torn hope. What shall I do? Should I schedule an immunologist appointment? Should I just ask my new obgyne? I patiently waited for 2 hours for the report. Wow! It was a 17. My myometrium blood flow was perfect! Thanks to Viagra! Wait... Why did not score a 19? Why my uterine artery pulsative index doppler failed? I asked the sonologist if his report was accurate. Because last time, my score for the uterine artery pulsative index doppler was perfect. He said he did the doppler twice already. Yep, i remember. Then, he assured me that 17-19 is in the same range. That means 77% chance of implantation. I was not happy with the 17. Perhaps, because my friend who failed the first doppler was able to achieve a 19 score on the second doppler. Perhaps, I was conditioned by the immunologist to aim for a 19.
What is uterine artery pulsative index? I did my seventh iui today. But, the new obgyne did not explain to me. She just left my room. Then, a fellow came to explain that I have good pulsative index, see it is greater than 3.0. I told her, it was contrary to the sonologist explanation in the morning. He said the pulsative index should be less than 3.0. She then explained that I have a good blood flow and the pulsative index is just a measure of resistance. Hmmm.... Google google.
I laughed as I heard the doppler. It sounds like I am farting. After finishing the entire ultrasound, the sonologist told me that he feels my score will not reach 16. It was a torn hope. What shall I do? Should I schedule an immunologist appointment? Should I just ask my new obgyne? I patiently waited for 2 hours for the report. Wow! It was a 17. My myometrium blood flow was perfect! Thanks to Viagra! Wait... Why did not score a 19? Why my uterine artery pulsative index doppler failed? I asked the sonologist if his report was accurate. Because last time, my score for the uterine artery pulsative index doppler was perfect. He said he did the doppler twice already. Yep, i remember. Then, he assured me that 17-19 is in the same range. That means 77% chance of implantation. I was not happy with the 17. Perhaps, because my friend who failed the first doppler was able to achieve a 19 score on the second doppler. Perhaps, I was conditioned by the immunologist to aim for a 19.
What is uterine artery pulsative index? I did my seventh iui today. But, the new obgyne did not explain to me. She just left my room. Then, a fellow came to explain that I have good pulsative index, see it is greater than 3.0. I told her, it was contrary to the sonologist explanation in the morning. He said the pulsative index should be less than 3.0. She then explained that I have a good blood flow and the pulsative index is just a measure of resistance. Hmmm.... Google google.
Of Pilgrimage, AS, pregnancy and cancer
I went to Putuoshan to pray. There are four 送子观音 songzi guanyin in the island.
In the first statue, I asked god for a baby. Then I suddenly remembered my friend, who had fetal rejection. I remembered her pelvic chain story. She had delivered premature babies. One died after two months of incubation. Oh my god, I prayed for "a" baby. I should say babies. Oops, one more thing the baby boy who died had ROP retinopathy of prematurity.
I prayed in the second statue that I want healthy babies - change "Y" to "I"+ "ES". Ooops, what if the baby is healthy but mentally retarded?
I prayed in the third statue that I want to have intelligent and healthy babies. What if, what if and what if my life will be in danger?
Finally, I prayed: Guanyin Pusha, I came here to ask/pray for babies, I surrender to your will. I just pray for smooth and uncomplicated pregnancy.
But I found on the web that AS is not scary after all. In contrast to my doctors advise. Of course, my doctors are speaking based on their experience. Maybe those remarks were exaggerated.
http://www.spondylitis.org/patient_resources/women.aspx
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=16694&page=2
http://www.arthritistoday.org/about-arthritis/arthritis-and-your-health/pregnancy/pregnancy-and-ankylosing-spondylitis.php
In the first statue, I asked god for a baby. Then I suddenly remembered my friend, who had fetal rejection. I remembered her pelvic chain story. She had delivered premature babies. One died after two months of incubation. Oh my god, I prayed for "a" baby. I should say babies. Oops, one more thing the baby boy who died had ROP retinopathy of prematurity.
I prayed in the second statue that I want healthy babies - change "Y" to "I"+ "ES". Ooops, what if the baby is healthy but mentally retarded?
I prayed in the third statue that I want to have intelligent and healthy babies. What if, what if and what if my life will be in danger?
Finally, I prayed: Guanyin Pusha, I came here to ask/pray for babies, I surrender to your will. I just pray for smooth and uncomplicated pregnancy.
But I found on the web that AS is not scary after all. In contrast to my doctors advise. Of course, my doctors are speaking based on their experience. Maybe those remarks were exaggerated.
http://www.spondylitis.org/patient_resources/women.aspx
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=16694&page=2
http://www.arthritistoday.org/about-arthritis/arthritis-and-your-health/pregnancy/pregnancy-and-ankylosing-spondylitis.php
Monday, November 24, 2014
of fate and destiny
What is the difference between fate and destiny? To me, destiny is a product of my conscious choice or decision. Fate is quite tricky. It has unexplained or uncontrollable attribute.
To me, fate is like tripping over a small stone. It is something like carelessness, accident or god's will that prevents me from achieving my goal. Is clumsiness a fate or destiny? Is having no offspring a fate or destiny? Should I be dictated by the prophecy? Is being childless my choice?
My mom told me to go to the temple and to exchange flower. I don't know exactly what tradition is it- buddhism or chinese? The scary part of it is I need god's permission. I need to toss a pair wooden half moon. A "yes" means- I should get either piece facing up side and down. A "no" means- two both wooden half moon facing down. A "no" means- I cannot take home the flower. Flower symbolizes kids. Granted if I have successful implantation on IVF, I may have spontaneous abortion along the way. Because, I did not have God's permission. Scary!
Question: should I be dictated by the wooden half moon tossing? I partly believe but I am quite hesitant to surrender to prophecy? Prophecy is not my cup of tea. My fate is a product of my conscious choice.
I am in the crossroad. YES- continue pregnancy treatment , NO- halt the pregnancy dream. I follow my heart first. I don't want to forgo my opportunity. I don't want to blame my wooden half moon tossing in the future. I will have IVF. I fully understand the risk. Now, I am ready to accept the challenge. I pray for no complication, no life threatening fetal resistance. I surrender to god.
Btw, why am I so negative? I am lucky that nowadays medicine and technology are so advanced. I am lucky because as of now we are still able to fund our fertility work up. Amen! I will try to get pregnant.
To me, fate is like tripping over a small stone. It is something like carelessness, accident or god's will that prevents me from achieving my goal. Is clumsiness a fate or destiny? Is having no offspring a fate or destiny? Should I be dictated by the prophecy? Is being childless my choice?
My mom told me to go to the temple and to exchange flower. I don't know exactly what tradition is it- buddhism or chinese? The scary part of it is I need god's permission. I need to toss a pair wooden half moon. A "yes" means- I should get either piece facing up side and down. A "no" means- two both wooden half moon facing down. A "no" means- I cannot take home the flower. Flower symbolizes kids. Granted if I have successful implantation on IVF, I may have spontaneous abortion along the way. Because, I did not have God's permission. Scary!
Question: should I be dictated by the wooden half moon tossing? I partly believe but I am quite hesitant to surrender to prophecy? Prophecy is not my cup of tea. My fate is a product of my conscious choice.
I am in the crossroad. YES- continue pregnancy treatment , NO- halt the pregnancy dream. I follow my heart first. I don't want to forgo my opportunity. I don't want to blame my wooden half moon tossing in the future. I will have IVF. I fully understand the risk. Now, I am ready to accept the challenge. I pray for no complication, no life threatening fetal resistance. I surrender to god.
Btw, why am I so negative? I am lucky that nowadays medicine and technology are so advanced. I am lucky because as of now we are still able to fund our fertility work up. Amen! I will try to get pregnant.
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